PSA

Great post, close to my heart and well written.

Find it here.

At a loss…

…for words.

More valuable than diamonds are comedic gems.  Today we lost one.  If you don’t know Harvey Korman, you should.  He was genius.

History of the World Part 1

Blazing Saddles

There’s so much more… Seek it out and enjoy his work, and laugh.

Feeling old…again…

It’s depressing enough that I found yet another white blond to the extreme hair today, but now due to a reference, I’m reminded of days when I was way younger, and two stone lighter… Prom.

Junior Prom: Suckered into the whole stupid thing. Double dated with an acquaintance of my date(who liked me, especially when high). Spent WAY too much on tux, dinner, carriage ride through downtown…stupid, stupid, STUPID. Ran into an old friend that moved away and had a crush on back in junior high. Literally ditched my date for a night of small talk with her(in fact I think the video yearbook has a shot of me and her walking away from my “date” about 20 paces behind). Okay time. Mucho dinar.

Senior Prom(the reason people bounced here): Totally single, although I did have a totally psycho stalker, which is why most of you are here(let it be said, that at this point in my stupid life, I was a bit frightened of her, but BTW, she looked FANTASTIC. You have no idea. Seriously. I was an idiot. Anyway…). I learned my economic lesson. I went stag. I ate at home(PB&J RULES! I kid you not.). Combined my last two years of show choir tuxes(still straight, thank you) and spent all of $20 on the whole thing. Hung out with friends, made retarded decisions ignored advances, stayed out of the well dressed mosh pit, and got to geek out because I was at the natural history museum. Went to after prom and made it home by my extended curfew(this is where you laugh at me).

Thoughts?: I could easily go off on a rant about social norms, conditioning, and blah, blah blah… but for me, prom was just another school dance where I felt out of my element, ignored what could have been brilliant, and cared less about the whole king/queen crap. Though the senior prom was, “better,” I’d have done well to ignore, “normality,” in favor of fun. They’re okay, but too much pressure exists then and now(thanks, Footloose).

Where’s my walker?

Look at it another way.

This ruling today is just what the doctor ordered.  Why?  Because not only did it give me a great joke/torture prank to pull on my parents, it’s going to make my previous post relevant(it’s all bout me sometimes), and I can demonstrate exactly why this needs to happen all over this country.

This is not political or religious reasoning(oxymoron), I think that marriage(if you absolutely must have it) in the best case scenario, should be religiously at best what each sect wishes to define with absolutely no legal benefits(for when it works) or ramifications(half!) from society.  I personally find no need to chain my love to binding legal documents with penalties for early withdrawal and men in funny hats damning my soul should me and my love find that our journey together is complete.  My reason for legalized gay/lesbian marriage is purely ECONOMICAL.

Our economy is not so hot right now and it needs stimulation($600 rebates aren’t going to cut it), and who knows more about stimulation than(wait for it…) the wedding industry(over-stimulated actually).  They’ve convinced so many people that the ceremony on steroids approach is the way to go that even people that can’t afford to spend tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands of dollars all for ONE DAY, and that’s just for heterosexuals.  Imagine if we opened it up to the rest of the population.  This is the growth industry we need.  The shot in the arm, the kick in the ass to get us back on top of at least the Loonie.

Catering companies; Wedding planners/Event coordinators; Singers; DJs; Bands; Churches(you know they’ll take money from anyone); strippers(ditto); restaurants; bars…EVERYONE can benefit from this, even me.  It may not be for me, but I be more than willing to help you do it.

Have you seen my resume?

Wedding Resume

I know that June is the official kick off month for the “Wedding Season,” but I’ve realized that if I wanted to, I could start up a side enterprise working weddings as a fill in.  I’ve held every position available to a straight man(I don’t care what the new Patrick Dempsey movie says), save for one.

Qualifications:

Attendee/Date(gotta have seat fillers)

Ring Bearer(true I’m a bit old for this now but should your adorable nephew come down with SARS or something, I could always pinch hit).

Usher(Where you’re part of the wedding, but not the wedding party.  “Friend of the bride or groom?  Here’s your program.  Enjoy the extra 20 minutes of organ music.”)

Wedding Singer(Ceremony, not reception.  DJ’s pretty much dominate).

Groomsman(Hopefully of high enough rank so as to not be drafted into the usher corps and thereby avoiding double duty).

Best Man(Plan kick ass party.  Thank the couple’s parents at the rehearsal dinner.  Don’t lose lose the effing ring.  Plan escape of groom in case of emergency.  Toast at reception.)

Officiant(“Man and wife.  Say, ‘Man and wife!’”).

The only job left is one I don’t apply for, but should anybody need a fill in, I’ve a reasonable hourly rate.

Does whatever…

Glad I didn’t get Robin…he’s a sidekick.

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man 80% Hulk 70% Green Lantern 70% Iron Man 60% Catwoman 60% Batman 60% Robin 55% The Flash 55% Supergirl 47% Superman 45% Wonder Woman 37%

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Click here to take the “Which Superhero am I?” quiz…

Beacuse I’m Lazy.

And I haven’t posted in awhile…

I thought I’d direct you to this.

If for no other reason then mindless distraction.

If you care, I only scored 70% but hey, I take pride in NOT knowing what Jellies were made of.

Start early…

I really hope the publishers of this book include a coupon for the therapy the kid will eventually need.

Attention, Debt Collection Agencies:

I’m sure that you’re aware of the fact that nobody likes you. You’re vocational choice, becoming a psychic parasite and feeding off of the financial and emotional hardships of people, lands you a spot on the list of the most unwanted/unwelcome/unneeded types of people. It’s quite possible that you’ve come to terms with the fact that, should any impending doom be headed in your general direction, most people would rather sacrifice their own live for a meter maid(of either sex) or the soldier that throws puppies off cliffs before even considering giving you a verbal, “heads up,” and yes, “most people,” includes your mother. Perhaps you’re aware that even people that deny any possibility of higher powers/deities, actively pray for your agonizing demise. Yet there is one aspect of you ghoulish existence that maybe, you might be unaware of, and so I would like to take some time out of my day to inform you of this slight character flaw: You’re morons.

Now, before your limited brain power attempts to defend your actions, stop and shut your mouth. You’re too concerned with a bottom line to be aware of the fact that your stupidity cripples that which you hold dear. Allow me to explain:

In your zeal to collect money from people that owe, you waste the time, not only of the people that you harass, but also of your own company. I understand that each agency trades debtors like baseball cards in an attempt to finally score some cash, but it might be beneficial that you also trade the updated records of the last known contact information and thereby not keep calling a number that has not been in the possession of the one that you seek to contact for over THREE YEARS. Perhaps it’s not all your fault. Maybe it’s the technology you’ve employed. Technology does make people lazy, but you might invest in a software that transfers ALL of the updated information pertinent to your search and thereby avoid hassling people that have nothing to do with your quarry.

And while I’m on the subject of technology, allow me to suggest that you take two steps back from your precious calling machines. They are flawed contraptions that only annoy. Seriously, they call at the same time(when I’m at work) and when my technological device called an answering machine picks up, the prerecorded message your service leaves gives no option out but to hang up or press a number, which cannot be done because you’ve got a machine talking to a machine and neither of them can make a decision. You could hire a human to do this task, employ a person to sacrifice their immortal soul and work for you in the seventh circle and stimulate the economy but that would cut into your precious profit margin.

Eventually, when I get annoyed enough to call your service, I find that you’ve outsourced your “call center” to a location where language is a second language and your incompetence is evident yet again. I’m trying to save you time and money by eliminating a dead end(again, for the seventh time in three years), and I’m doubtful that the person I’ve spoken to knows how to spell. Of course I realize that cheap labor is believed to be good but trust me, you’d have better luck siphoning the life from people if you employ persons that actually can read and write at least one of the two or three predominant languages spoken here.

Put simply(because I’m certain that most of this rational thinking is above your bottom feeding intellects), you’ve been outsmarted by someone that simply moved/changed their number. You’re morons.

Imagine…

If you could, would you go to this?

File Under K…

…for KREEPY.

So I was checking out the “Dancing with the Stars” results show(yeah, wanna make something of it?), and what was their special trick tonight?  Child dancers.

Please, someone else tell me that there is something wrong with eight to eleven year olds danging in a suggestive manner in front of millions of people.  It’s not cute, it’s…well…I don’t know what the word is or if it exists, but  there’s got to be something to describe the JonBenet-ness of it.

Notes for the Morning News…

Unless I’m in Vegas, and I’m (still)drinking, nothing and nobody is funny at five A.M., ever.  Stop trying.  This is doubly stressed for the weather-people who wish to make up for the fact that they truly have no clue about weather and attempt to cover up their lack of personality by overplaying a fake one.

Stick to your job.  Repeat the three “news” items you’ve been told to regurgitate over and over, give me traffic and current weather conditions, and let me be.

Oh, and by the way…”reporting” the results from last night’s reality programs is NOT news(entertainment or otherwise), ever.

Honestly, if either of us were employed for creativity and humor, we wouldn’t be up at this hour.  So stop it, now.

For the American People

In the interest of sparking a move forward/can do attitude, I’d like to take some time to explore some lifestyles that need to make a comeback.

The first is Mad Science. It has been far too long, and we’ve been too conditioned by film/television/literature to embrace a progressive, albeit slightly dangerous occupation. We’re too compliant to let “progress” be turned into “treatment(in the case of medicine)” and “upgrades(regarding technology).” Mad Scientists leap and bound when corporations are exploiting small steps for profit over and over and over. There are so many brilliant minds in existence and we are wasting them by not embracing the ancient art of humiliating the genius. This is how drastic advances in science are made…through debasement. Find the best minds working on cancer(for example), and cut their funding. Link them to the least helpful aspect of society(a photo-shop of them partying with Paris Hilton should do it), thereby destroying any credibility they might have had, and in three years…cure for cancer. Granted we’ll have to find a way to subdue the super wolf-human hybrid that sniffs out and then rips out cancerous cells, but in that creature’s sweat glands, we’ll also find and later synthetically reproduce(so as not to harm the creature) the vaccination for all cancer. You can apply this technique to almost any of humanity’s problems, though I wouldn’t go this route for E.D.(no need for a hyper-ferret that consumes floppy frankfurters).

“Volunteers,” and “Test Subjects,” totally needs to be rethought. Not to mention that Mad Scientists need them, we need to rethink this “qualified” status being held in high regard. If I’m going to be taxed to keep Manson alive, do something with him. Graft a tail on, expose him to gamma rays(but not too much, I’ve seen The Hulk), heck just see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. We’ve too many untapped(un/underemployed) resources watching Springer reruns not to put them to use and make a better tomorrow. True, we might have to mobilize the national guard and “contain” a few of the more unexpected results with a nuclear cleansing, but isn’t progress worth the risk?

Speaking of test humans, what ever happened to DAREDEVILS? When did we as a species lose our collective sack? Are all of us too scared to miss the next season of “America’s Next Piece of Hackneyed Crap” to risk the glory in throwing up a humongous middle finger to the “almighty” by jumping 18 buses full of burning nuns and orphans whilst drinking a martini and texting the Dali Lama(big hitter, the Lama…)? In an age of the douche-tube “stunt-people” whose idea of a risk is jumping off a roof on the awaiting groin of their friend, or simply just inflicting minor pain onto themselves, where is the one who has the, “eff it all, go for it!” attitude to jump in a rocket built by teenagers and see if he can warp to Mars and back with a protein bar and a liter of water(bonus points for the nickname, “Evel,” and a last name that rhymes with it)?

“The Anti-Christ/Bringer of Doom/Whatever,” people, listen up. You’ve been warning/spouting off about this for too long. Embrace someone as it/make one up/whatever. If you deity relies on another character for it to conquer, well get on with it. I seriously do not understand why you wouldn’t rejoice in the appearance of your enemy. Wouldn’t that mean that you are that much closer to being in your cloud city that is paved with gold and molesting virginal cherubs? Remember, every step towards earthly doom is another step closer to fictional bliss. So lighten up and let the great Satan(progress) make an advance or two(that you’ll later embrace and call your god’s will). Besides, nothing stimulates economy like an enemy. The draw back is that it also stimulates stupidity, -isms, and Dr. Phil.

Natural Twenty…Huzzah!!

Two decades ago, when I was, oh…about two decades shorter, I was given the opportunity to corrupt a soul.

Every day I am closer to unleashing it upon the world…but not yet…

For those who can’t…

Sure, it’s all fine and well if you have magical powers and can beat death. Good for you. What about those that might lack that skill set?

Well, thankfully, there is an organization that is trying to help.

If you haven’t, you should watch the entire film. It’s old and dated at times, but so am I.

Play Me a Dirge…

As I have stated before, I’m stunted in my musical growth. That said, I’ve come to some conclusions as to the state of “popular” music:

• Most of it sucks, but this is a numbers issue(throw enough ess at the wall and see if anything sticks).
• The “Kidz Bop” CDs are evil incarnate(for so many reasons, it demands another post that, probably will never happen).
• Downloads will kill the “album.”

Just so we’re on the same page(in terminology), and for the purpose of this post, an album will be defined as a collected release by an artist so as to tell a story or journey through music.

An opera, or an orchestral work is designed for such purposes, but so are more recent offerings. And from them there are favored movements or pieces that fans wish to revisit. Now, however with the instant gratification/OCD culture, a large musical “work” appears(to me) to be on it last legs.

With the downloadability of today, there’s no reason to experience the journey from song to song of the artist(even if it’s just once), and that, to me is a bit sad.

Not from a business standpoint, I totally understand the need to crank out hit after top forty boring and absolutely the same song hit. But there is(as I am led to understand and occasionally find), an artist that tells a story through an album, and that is what downloads are truly killing.

When you’re told to only listen to/download “x” song, there exists the possibility that you might miss the point that the artist was getting to on the album. There are some, though most assuredly not all, artists that want to take you on a journey. With what I’m going to call a, “one song, move on,” mentality, I doubt many recording artists will want to put forth the effort needed to make a long musical statement or journey(and yes I do realize that there will be exceptions).

There’s also the loss of the arts of both liner notes and album art that will continue to fade. I’ve enough tree rings to recall what vinyl is and maybe its my failing eyesight or perhaps I’m just embracing grumpy coot syndrome, but those two things seemed to add to the whole album experience for true fans.

I am, of course, aware that this is a specialized problem that effects music geeks and the masses are content to happily fill their iTunes folder with the song o’ the week and move along to the next download required for societal acceptance. I do however find interesting that these aspects of musical experience are fading away. Then again, given huge piles of cash involved and since those that would care are the smaller group, not too many people will notice or care.

On the b side, it may be time to scavenge what you can and invest in what might be a new or heightened level of collectibles. Plus, like I said before, I’m not an expert on the issue in any way shape or form. There are many positives to downloading as it’s eco-friendly(less energy used and less waste produced), easier to share, and it is easier to find that hard to find song. Perhaps that’s worth the loss of the tactile sensation and a broad musical story.

It is going to be one of those generational things that old people bore children with when they begin, “You know, in my day…”

Very much like what I’m doing right now.

…Fred Rogers, Spike Lee, and…

Payback is a…dish best stewed upon for a couple of months, then reheated in the microwave on high for two to three minutes(remove the bag when the kernel pops are more than a second apart).

Someone I know has a birthday today. No, not Rick Berman, nor William Hurt or even Holly Hunter(yes it’s their day too, but I don’t know them).

As you may or may not recall, this friend of mine set me up for public ridicule at a time when I was fragile and feeling the effects of the aging process. After a short, but fun e-slapfest, we made up but…well I thought a bit of poking the fun stick(minds out of the gutter) in the other direction was in order.

The problem facing me is that it would be…immature of me to reveal things that could cause embarrassment. At least, outright…I couldn’t just say, “X-years and a gestation period ago, her parents had sex.” That would be rude to not only reveal her age, but to burn into her mind the image of her mother and father engaged in carnal relations.

How then to snicker at someone without revealing their darkness? Make stuff up? Say, “To hell with it,” and release the hounds? Be the bigger person and let it go?

Hell to the NO.

Seeing as it is an election year, her occasional need to do a Thursday Thirteen, and my own petty nature…I’ve decided to list 13 alleged facts about the enigma wrapped in a whiskey filled, question mark shaped flask that is, Mr. Lady.

No particular order, and at least one of these is true(allegedly):

1. She’s (mostly)a lady: In all my years of knowing her, she’s only broke wind(audibly) once in my presence. Now granted, even if it sounded like someone starting a chainsaw with added reverb and echo, it was hilarious, human, and the only time I can recall.
2. She’s a freak(on paper): She has no middle name. Her name is X Z, no Y at all. I think she may have since compensated for this deficiency by moving her maiden name to the middle but really, we’re supposed to be a superpower, someone with only a first and last name should raise a flag or two…and she emigrated to Canada, Hmmm…
3. She’s kind and nurturing: I was having a bad day, and after confiding my pain and frustration to her, she gave me what she later referred to as a, “knuckle hug,” to my left temple. Upon regaining consciousness she suggested I, “walk it off,” and then insisted I was a tiny cat.
4. She has a weight problem: It would be rude of me to disclose any woman’s weight, in pounds, yet I can assure you that(though I was never able to confirm it on my larger scales) she is roughly equivalent to that of a duck.
5. She’s a strong influence: So strong, I’m willing to bet ten of my rapidly declining in value American dollars that, at least one of her boy’s will dress up as Dr. Frank-N-Furter before the age of 18(and after reading this, I lay two to one odds it’s the middle child), even if none of his friends know what Rocky Horror is(though if they spend any time at her house, they will). Another ten says she takes the boy to the store and helps him pick out the correct lingerie(just to make the people at Victoria’s Secret do a triple take).
6. She’s no slave Leia: But she did have this chain metal top/dress/renaissance festival type thing…
7. She’s a black magic woman: Like Mola Ram, she has the ability to pluck the still beating heart from your chest. I’ve seen it, and it is grim. This kid got off easy, trust me, and I’ll put another five bucks on the fact that she’s manipulating my astrological chart so that an asteroid hits me within the week.
8. She’s musically gifted: At one point in her life she claims to have been able to play the sad, walking away music from the end of every episode of “The Incredible Hulk.”
9. She’s a film connoisseur: Her favorite film is the science fiction classic, “Fortress,” it effected her greatly. True friends of hers would be wise to buy this film for her in every format available. Personally, I think her dream is to have this film running on a loop 24 hours a day.
10. She’s a freak(genetically): Writes with the right, bats lefty, allergic to red dye #40…Not to go all conspiracy on you, but there were rumors that our(U.S.) government was working on a genetically engineered, female, ambidextrous super-spy during the end cold war, whose only kryptonite was red…
11. She likes to stick it to herself: Most of her piercings(that I know of…) were done by her. Why? “Because I’m hardcore like that emmeffer!” she once said to me before embracing me with yet another knuckle hug. And the tattoos, what was the last count? Two full sleeves of characters from “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” the names of her children, the entire battle of Helm’s Deep across her back, a Tron identity disc “tramp stamp,” and two marshmallow peeps battling to the death in Thunderdome(and no, I won’t go into where that one is).
12. She’s kind to animals: Unless she takes care of them. R.I.P., Yoda.
13. She’s Got a Laugh About Her(apologies to Billy Joel): The best, most beautiful sound she makes is her laugh. Even when pretending to laugh at my stupid jokes(which I’m hoping she still does). Better than a choir of angels, that laugh.

I could go on but, she may already be plotting my doom and it’s best I don’t press my luck.

So I raise my glass and drink(heavily), in honour of…

Too much(time on my hands)…

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Olde Time Religion

It’s been an age since I’ve categorized myself as anything in the religious category, and I couldn’t be more pleased with that aspect of myself. I’m a skeptic and I’ve got commitment issues so I won’t even claim atheist or agnostic status. I am, happily, a non-religious person(which is its own discussion unto itself). I did, once upon a time, try to believe that I was a believer of a sect of Christianity. And even if that didn’t work out for me in real life, I realize that there are some aspects of that “life” that I do actually miss. So, in an attempt to reconcile my past/be deeper than I am, I’m going to list the things that I miss about religion(in no particular order):

• Music: Granted, not all of it makes a joyful noise unto the lord(in fact a great deal is quite depressing), but some truly amazing, haunting and beautiful music has been born from the need to worship/appease/create for the almighty. Plus I enjoy sining and church offers a once a week indulgence.
• Stained Glass: I don’t know why, but the only place I find stained glass to be appropriate is a church. Something about the sacred ground and light through colored glass that only works(for me), as a combination.
• Questioning Authority: In Sunday School, I was always asking too many, “what if/why not/how come” questions. I was curious. I wanted to explore these topics and stories. To find truth and meaning. I wasn’t aware that church was a, “because I said so,” kind of thing and as a child, this kind of questioning and making adults squirm in their uncertainty is written off as precocious. As an adult they just call you a jerk.
• A Scapegoat: Though I never bought it, it was always fun to see what Satan’s tool for corruption of the week was pulled out of the magic hat. Oh we had all the great classics: Playing metal records backwards, D&D and other role-playing games, credit cards(no kidding, and I still laugh about it). That kind of finger pointing logic still exists, but it was fun to see the “thought process” first hand, now I just read about it and shake my head.
• Christmas: I’m not a fan of the holiday now, and I am sure if I did believe I would still be against the commercialism of the holiday but, when I was young Jesus was the reason for the season. It was so theatrical: the nativity, the songs, the service…It all added a bit of extra…something more to the holiday and as a child it was comforting and magical.
• My Sunday Best: it was a pain in the ass then and it still is now, but sometimes(just sometimes) it’s nice to look good in the daytime.
• Lunch: After the service, we would go to one of the grandparent’s homes for a meal. As a child, I will admit, I despised the food and yet, looking back…it’s all comfort food now, no matter how good or bad it actually is.
• My Sunday Best, part 2: Changing out of the stiff “dress clothes” and getting into something comfortable to play in. Glorious relief.
• Grandparents: Once a week, a chance to be with amazing people(though I did not know it at the time), who had stories(that I never took the time to learn), and be with them.

What not to wear…

There are some articles of clothing that are just flat out repellent to me.  I find them to be both useless and painful to the eye.  Even worse is when men(straight/metro-sexual/otherwise) use them in their wardrobe.  Seriously, some things look great unisex, these do not:

• Capri pants: No, no, no.  Let me state clearly, cankle is not sexy.  Mankle(hairy or shaved) is laughable and creepy.
• “Comfortable Footwear”: Orthopedic shoes, while not the most fashionable, are worn for a true purpose.  Ugg boots and Crocs, are simply wrong on every level.  Nothing screams, “ugly, stank foot,” more(well maybe Jellys, but that was long ago and those shoes caused the condition).  Put a dude in them and you have, no matter how manly the bloke, zero intimidation and an open season for ridicule.  Besides, men have comfortable shoes called sneakers.
• Combining the two: Commence laughter for the next 10 to 20 minutes.  I’m not kidding, I’ve seen it.  Not a good look.

What Time Is It?

Spring ahead…

I’ve no love for Daylight Saving Time.  At all.  It’s a lie.  A futile attempt at control over forces of nature, logic and common effing sense.  And no, I don’t care that Ben Franklin’s wry humor inspired those who later championed the concept.  It’s stupid.

Noon is what it is.  Midday is when the sun is highest in the sky.  Not for just four months, and then it’s one in the afternoon for the other eight.  DST is nothing more than delusion and control by “civilized” countries who cause more confusion by not being able to agree when to put it into effect.

Look, I’m all for making the most of the hours when light falls on the earth, but let us be honest with each other and not impose “altered” time on humanity.  Time is bad enough as it is.  Don’t attempt to adjust reality just because you cannot fathom the idea of getting up at “four” in the morning so you can take advantage of sunlight.

It does not save energy.  It does mess with internal biological clocks(which also weakens physical and psychological resistance).  It does not help for productivity, as some estimates point to a loss of up to 31 Billion per year(unconfirmed by my lazy research, but I wouldn’t be surprised).  It does throw off natural rhythms.

If you need to do things early, then set your alarm accordingly.  I do not need legislation messing with my (fragile)concept of time just so you can do…whatever it is you do, and not feel like you’re getting up “early”.

Nothing is saved from this process, and what is lost is too precious: the natural rhythm of the world.  People in flux, attempting to shift what is real to what is being forced upon them.  There is absolutely no reason for this imposition to continue.  It is a lie that needs to stop, now. 

All it is, is control…of you.  Yeah it’s very “conspiracy” of me but it is true.  We’ve been conditioned by time and that is bad enough and yet acceptable(for now), but this forced and useless hour hopping has got to stop.

Imagine, for a moment, having to explain to a anyone not belonging to a “industrialized” country that when the sun has reached its mid point in the sky, that it is actually later than what it is, simply because you’re told so by your government.  Well, of course, you must obey the sovereign, slave, but to the “primitive” highest is highest.  You cannot convince him otherwise, and he is correct.

Changing the terminology does not change the reality.  This moment is this moment.  Let’s leave the manipulation of time to those that actually posses the ability.

Hmmm…losing that hour sure made me cranky…perhaps a nap is in order.

Interupted…

Another night of odd dreams, but just when I get to a place where I begin to have feelings of happiness, peace and love…

The alarm goes off.

The dream-state euphoria shattered.  The outlook for today…angry.

…not what I planned at all…

I feel I should get this, or this, for my wall. 

A few weeks ago, I stumbled on a job opportunity that looked like it would be good for me to go after.  I met the requirements, it looked like fun work so I threw caution to the wind and sent a resume.  A week after that I got called in for an interview and took today off from the placeholder job to cast my lot.  This was in no way a make or break kind of employment opportunity.  If I didn’t get it, no big.  If I did…sweet chance for adventure.  This lack of urgency was great since it was a no pressure situation, and I show up at the appointed time calm and cool.  Totally at ease, relaxed and confident.  They call my name, I saunter up to the door to the room and gracefully close the door behind me.

I greeted them with a polite, “g-g-goodm-morning..?” and then things began to go terribly wrong.

For some reason, every positive aspect of me stayed on the other side of the door.

I don’t stutter, but I passed it off as a momentary verbal-brain disconnect.  I think they asked how I was(I’m not 100% on that because I was thinking about the stuttering) and I replied, “I’m fine how are you?”  Unfortunately(and I wish this were an exaggeration), my vocal cords decided to remember the time when puberty was upon me and my voice resembled a screeching cat scraping its claws on the blackboard.  That was when time began to slow down and I could literally feel myself beginning to sweat(everywhere and all at once).  I froze, I stumbled/fumbled, I was without (witty or otherwise)repartee, and when I could find the words…well with the voice of a mid-pubescent…screature(trademark) stuck in my wind pipe, the situation was horrific.  I felt the air cringe.  The only saving throw I made was that I neither vomited, or soiled myself.  At the end I apologized for their time and took my hasty leave, which required three attempts at the door(great in physical comedy, not in real life).

It’s not that I won’t get the job(of that I am certain) that bothers me, like I stated before it was one of those great if I get it, life continues if I don’t kind of situations.  What does vex me is the fact that I locked up/froze/Hindenberged.  I don’t recall that level of terror in a long, long time.  I’m talking elementary school ago, in front of the church congregation, child humiliation/terror.  I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone on the hour and a half long(made longer) train ride home, and when by chance I did, luck had it that it was to connect with an angry fellow who was already speaking angrily to me(he’d apparently been in a custody battle and was awarded two days a month with his kids and he may have hinted, repeatedly, that he felt race played an issue) and when I looked over at him, he went off.  Thankfully, we were near his stop and my inability to offer anything more than a deer in headlights stare and slight head shaking convinced him that I was from out of town.  “You’re not even American,” he mumbled as he got off the train.

But I veer from the point…avoidance of the issue.

I got home, had a late lunch, hid under a blanket(metaphorically) for awhile and have spent the past however many hours trying to figure out what switch I tripped today/if my ego is trying to teach me a lesson/why I sabotaged myself…whatever.

All I know is that everything that happened was…

What’s In This For Me?

I stumbled on this interesting “What if…” scenario.  The full post and responses are here, but the premise is this:

Say you were offered the chance to be introduced to the great love of your life, your absolute perfect soul mate. The two of you will be perfect together– compatible personalities, the same taste in movies and books, sex so good you’ll temporarily lose the power of speech– but you’ll only be together for five years. At the end of five years, your partner will die, absolutely and inevitably– you’ll be told the time, place, and manner of their death, and nothing you do can stop it.

This person is perfect for you, but there is absolutely no way you will ever meet by chance. The only chance you have of meeting is to be introduced by the person who will also tell you the time, place, and manner of your soul mate’s death. Or, you can go on with your life as it is now, and just make the best you can of what you have.

Do you take the offer?

Hmmm…let me think…how many ways are there to say…yes.  This is one sweet slice of life experience to be offered.  Why would one refuse?  Join me in my mind(a scary place) as I expound on why I would, like, so totally do it(some reasons may be inserted or exaggerated for jokey-joke/I cannot ever be completely serious reasons):

• Meeting new people: This is a person that, unless you take the deal, you will never meet and, quite possibly their circle of friends and family some of which may also become your friends.
• Wuv, twu wuv…: Something pined/struggled/worked for in each of our lifetimes.  You get five years of it.  Quite possibly the best aspect of the deal.  Five years of being able to not only receive love, but to be able to love freely for five years.  Not only an amazing experience, it is an amazing learning experience.  There is no way that you can convince me that five years of being able to accept and be accepted, not having to worry about rejection, being free and open with your love does/would not make you a better human.  This is five years of true freedom that society/upbringing does not allow anyone to ever have.  How is that ever a bad thing?
• Time Limit: “All good things…”  Some look on this as a downer, but the philosophy of this part of the deal is key.  The desired result is the “you never know/live life like its…” which I’ve actually ranted against, yet this scenario supports my desire/hope to learn to be more present and aware of the now.  Another great learning experience to make a better person.
• Death(part one): Meet them or not, this person will die on X date of X reason.  The two of you are a perfect match according to the scenario, so why would you deny anyone their last years of perfect bliss?  To spare yourself the pain of loss?  Remember, there is nothing in the rules stating that you can’t go “Romeo & Juliet” and follow your beloved if you cannot go on.  What a great choice/experience: are you strong enough to go on/follow them into the great whatever?
• Death(part two): This concerns the, “dying from a horrible (whatever),” issue raised.  You couldn’t be there?  Somewhat understandable, if you didn’t learn the lessons of the above points.  But I look at it as a question of could you send them to the great (whatever).  Are you willing to stop/ease/end the pain and torment that your love is in.  Yes.  Yes.
• It’s a great story, “The franchise rights alone…”: Guessing that you choose to live on, what better to inspire/enlighten people than an amazing tale such as this.
• It’s a great story, part douche: Guessing that there was no learning curve, this is the greatest sympathy eff story/movie idea ever and if you’re of the mind, cash in.

So…Your thoughts/answers/reactions are…?

Apoalyptic

You are Apocalypse

Apocalypse 71% Dr. Doom 69% Magneto 61% Dark Phoenix 59% Riddler 54% Juggernaut 52% Lex Luthor 51% Venom 48% The Joker 46% Catwoman 45% Poison Ivy 45% Two-Face 44% Mr. Freeze 40% Green Goblin 40% Kingpin 35% Mystique 28%

You believe in survival of the fittest and you believe that you are the fittest.

Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz

You Don’t Bring Me Flowers…*

…I mean come on.  If you’re not going to put forth the effort, I’m not sure where this relationship is going.

Ahh… the old VD.  Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of young love quite like it.  In truth, I’ve never been a fan of the occasion and yet, it does get me a thinkun about the ancient art of pitching the woo(one must take care when pitching, lest ye get forked**).

Being socially stunted, I myself only have a few “mad skilz” going for me.  My go to move was developed in the old days of junior high.  The classic note:

“Do you like me?  If so, check this box.”

After that I learned the secret of the best cheesecake… ever.  But that really does not work at the bars(seriously, you try getting anorexic weight conscious individuals interested in high calorie taste sensations).

Find a karaoke bar and I might stand a chance at upstaging the dude with the abs of six and the matching I.Q., but again it’s a place and time kind of thing.

There was this one time, in another life, that I did something that did work(though I’m fairly sure that the object of my affection already liked me.  Really, really liked me).  Not exactly original, but it proved to be effective at the time.  I’ve not employed it since, but here it is for you to use, should you truly be desperate:

StalkInquire about the schedule/whereabouts of your intended, and when the opportunity arises leave a single rose(budget permitting) on the door of their residence/car windshield with the following poem by Edmund Waller:

Go, lovely Rose—
Tell her that wastes her time and me,
That now she knows,
When I resemble her to thee,
How sweet and fair she seems to be.
Tell her that ’s young,
And shuns to have her graces spied,
That hadst thou sprung
In deserts where no men abide,
Thou must have uncommended died.
Small is the worth
Of beauty from the light retired:
Bid her come forth,
Suffer herself to be desired,
And not blush so to be admired.
Then die—that she
The common fate of all things rare
May read in thee;
How small a part of time they share
That are so wondrous sweet and fair!

Yeah, I can’t believe it worked either.  Happy snogging!

 *the song is now in your head, on a loop…good luck with intimacy now, sucka!

**I am never, ever above a horrific pun.

And I thought I thought about this stuff too much…

So…um…yeah…

I found this article.

If you know me you know why I had to read it.

Better Book Club?

This book recommendation(for the two or three people who read this) should be on many must read lists if you ask me(you didn’t, but oh well).

“Pigtopia,” by Kitty Fitzgerald.

I really don’t want to get into it too much, but I found it to be a good(yet sad) story.  It’s been out for awhile, but I’ve never known anyone else to have read it, and I like to see what others thought.  Any takers?

Battle Royale

If you’re not aware…things finally came to a head in the Stewart/Colbert/Conan feud that seeks to both claim the rights to Mike Huckabee and fill time because of the writer’s strike.  The final throw-down/recap can be found here and it’s totally worth it.

Kudos to these three fine artists for settling their differences as men.  But I must point out that in the comments section, there were a couple of jabs to writers.  Please people, try to remember that the writers want to be working, and all of these late night hosts want their writers back.  This was not an eff you to their staff, but a great collaboration for three comedians looking for a fun way to kill a bit of air time while they wait for their team to get back to full strength.  Not to mention a nostalgic look back at the glorious days of acid washed jeans(and yes I was probably wearing them myself when I watched that episode of The Jon Stewart Show when it originally aired).

Bonus Points

I’m of the opinion that your DVD collection reveals something about you.  Leave me alone with it for any amount of time  and I’ll go over it like I’m looking in your medicine cabinet in the bathroom.  Like books on the shelf, I’ll draw conclusions about you from the choices you make in what you’ve dedicated money to for your film collection(some people use music, I use flicks).

Most prospects have at least one DVD with the powerhouse combo of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.  Which is fine.  But if they have “Joe Versus the Volcano”…

Well let’s just say I’m sticking around to see what happens.

Self Abuse

I’ve noticed that for the last month or so I have been torturing myself by watching movies that I didn’t like.  It’s not like I search them out but if it’s on, I’ll watch it.  And I’ll sit there the whole time asking both how this got made and why for the love of everything good in the world am I watching this?  I could be doing something, anything else so why am I burning bad film into my brain?  Am I so starved for entertainment that I’ll watch anything?  I could be reading, learning something new, creating something…

Sorry, “Music and Lyrics” came on.  Where was I?

Nothing to watch…

Writers strike got you down?  Feeling depressed because the last two finished episodes of “Chuck” were tainted with the splooge that is “Celebrity Apprentice” was crammed in between?  Me too.  But fear not, since I’ve watched an absurd amount of television in my life.  I feel properly equipped to recommend the following for your viewing consumption*:

• Doctor Who: Seriously, even if you were never a geek into the old school series, BBC has brought it back brilliantly.  Seasons 1-3 are available on DVD for a serious punch to the wallet, but in the age of Netflicks…Billie Piper as Rose(yes) and Freema Agyeman as Martha(yes please) are great foils for The Doctor(Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant)
• Eureka: Season one available on DVD and I’m sure a Tivo ready marathon will pop up on the Sci-Fi channel sometime.  Great concept/stories/execution.  “That can’t be good.”  Oh, but it is.
• Rome: Missed it on the HBO?  Kevin Mckidd deserved better that “Journeyman”’s fate.  Find it and enjoy.  Trust me.
• Robot Chicken: If you don’t know, get it.  Your inner child/current deviant will thank me later.
• Father Ted: Catholic Priests on an island.  Going wild is understated.
• Coupling: The BBC original version(run far and fast from the NBC destructicon remake), and to be honest, I only recommend seasons one through three.  The main reason for this is that one of the best characters in television(Jeff Murdock, played by Richard Coyle), is absent from the fourth and last season, and even I’ll admit that the series starts to lose steam near the end of the third season, which may be why Richard decided not to return.  Nonetheless, the first two seasons are genius and the third is fun enough if for no other reason than his work and story arc.

Your entertainment seeking soul will be grateful…your credit card, not so much.

* Yeah, I’m pimping a great deal of Sci-Fi Channel and the BBC, but you know what?  Good is good.

Wanna Watch a Movie?

Do to some impatience and the fact that I don’t have a date tonight the weather, I’ve upped movie night.  The selection:

“The Commitments”

Honestly, I’ve not seen this since it was in the theater and perhaps once on HBO(snippets when it was on TV but never start to finish) which is odd because I recall that I really liked it.  So last week, when I was tricked by a buy 2 get the 3rd free sale, I saw it sitting there in the rack minding its own business and I just had to have it(I know I could have rented it but that is just not how my mind functions).

What I do remember is that I greatly enjoyed the story of the formation and (I believe) implosion of this Irish soul band, I think I had a crush on one of the girls in the band, and that the soundtrack was fantastic.  And now that the popcorn is ready, I can see if I still like this tale.

117ish minutes later…

So, did it hold up?  Yes…and no.

The music (though I’m not quite qualified to talk at length on the topic) is still funtastic, and I even caught a few references I didn’t catch before.  The film also plays now like a period piece.  Released in 1991, and based on a book, it has a mid to late 80’s feel to it.  Metal and New Wave(I hope that’s the correct genre) draw some snide comments and it is certainly before Grunge and the Boy Band explosions.

I recalled the band being friendlier in the beginning, but no, they were fighting each other from the start and the “success” made it worse.  It’s still fun to watch the collapse though, like a VH1 Behind the music of a group that almost was and, “then things went terribly wrong…”

Oddly, I found myself more focused on the portrayal of the poverty and desperation portrayed in the film.  This is something I’d either forgotten or not been aware of in the past, but it added…something to the story that I can’t help but think makes it a sadder film to me(this is neither good or bad, simply different).

And the girls?  Hmmm…women of Irish decent, mixed with a bit of the crazy.  You’ve got my attention.  Throw in the Irish dialect and yep… found them all desirable in their own way.

Speaking of the dialect:  There’s just a way that the Irish pronounce the word, “fuck” that just makes me smile.  If I were to attempt a phonetic spelling I think I’d need access to the “o” with the two dots over it.  Actually all cursing in Irish is for some reason, an auditory delight to me.

“So, do you recommend it?”

Yes, but with this disclaimer:  It’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea.  Music junkies should(and probably do) own it, and the film-goer looking for something other than the regular genre flicks should definitely give a look or two.  If however, you only go to what you’re told to see that weekend, or your DVD collection could pass as a calendar for each weeks “must own” release, you’re probably not going to like this(but I still think it might build character for you to watch it).

It should also be noted that I am in no way, shape or form a film critic.  These are simply the thoughts that spew from my opinionated mind.  Go to Ebert for professional ramblings.

Revisitation…

This weekend, I am going to watch a film that I’ve not seen in its entirety, for fifteen years.  I’m curious to see if it holds me like it did/improves/is total crap.  A full review may be forthcoming(if it warrants it), but sometimes it can be interesting to look back at things(movies/music/whatever) that you liked(or thought you did) at the time to see if it holds up to what you are now.

Last Day…Renew!!!*

The following is from my as yet to be started/finished/published book, “Quotation Marks: Motivational/Inspirational Sayings That Fail To Do Either.”

“Live each day as if it were your last.”

So wrong, on so many levels.  This “philosophical” gem has been has been as popular as the “I live life to the FULLEST!!!” statement on practically every personal ad description(a subject for another time) ever.  The difficulty arises not from the well meaning intent of the statement, but from the totally wrong point of view that it encourages.  There are obviously, the comical interpretations of mad spending, the telling off of everyone that has been holding you back/destroying your soul/whatever, and bungee jumping for the first time…and yet there is another(more sinister) pull to this commonly used quote:

It’s morbid, depressing, and misses the point that it desires to get across.  Encouraging the cramming of everything into the now without any enjoyment or awareness.  How sinful this approach to life is!  I use the word, “sinful” not in a religious sense, but to make everyone aware that it is a crime against life.  The arrogance, the greed of saturating all that one can without awareness is, a sin.

If you truly knew that this was your LAST day, that when you closed your eyes at the end you would never awaken, would you honestly waste your waning hours on folly?  This is the encouragement from the statement.

“But wait,” you say, “I take it to mean that I should embrace and enjoy all that I have right now, for it may be gone tomorrow.”

Yes, that is a better interpretation, and yet it is still depressing.  Why worry about the ending of things?  All things do and will so why focus on that?  It ruins the enjoyment, the experience of the moment.  It haunts you and lingers in the back of your mind and keeps you from being present.  From being there.

Even the terminology is depressing, “…as if it were your last.”  It enslaves you to a finite timeline.  Commanding you to cram sensory experience at the expense of true experience.  When every moment exists for you to move on to the next, why limit yourself to a possible demise?

“Well what do you suggest, ‘Live every day as if it was your first?’”

Close, but not quite…

There is no anti-(whatever), to this statement but there is an alternative, and that is for you to discover.  It’s not any kind of quote or statement, that’s true.  Maybe, just perhaps, it’s a moment:

When you take a second to close your eyes and feel the sun on your face…or pause to feel the breeze flow over you.  It could be the instant you understand that you’re connected to everything, even if it seems like there’s more than six degrees of separation between you and Kevin Bacon.

Truly, it doesn’t matter if it’s your first or last day, or if you live like it is.  What is important is that you have the opportunity to live this day, and how you choose to do that is up to you.

*Bonus points to anyone who gets and comments on the pop-C significance of the title of this post.

Cross Your Legs

So there’s this movie that will be released(tomorrow in L.A. and N.Y., later in the nation), and the concept is… well go to the official site here and draw your own horrific conclusions.

I am a sucker for this type of flick.

Traffic Control

If you bounced here via Mr. Lady, you’re looking for this.

…I feel sick.

I was going to post about this yesterday, but I felt so bad that I needed a day to gather my thoughts.

At the placeholder job, I’ve been given some tasks.  Most recently, I’ve been double checking the work of the temps.  This is not a big deal, but one of them had a bunch of mistakes.  Not a big deal for me, but my actions effected another life that day.

I happened to notice that the person in question(keep in mind this is someone from the night shift, whom I’ve never met) had…interesting handwriting.  I thought that by bringing it up to my manager, and suggesting that perhaps this individual might process information in different ways and different instruction techniques should be used for him, would open up new avenues of communication between said temp and management.

They terminated his contract(FIRED) him.

It was later in the day when they revealed to me that there was a language barrier and that they had spent (all of)TWO shifts trying to get him up to snuff.

I could really go off on a rant about business here, but my problem is this:

Because of me, someone struggling lost precious money, and because of that…

It Feels Like The First Time…

Sometimes there are events that define you, and there are dates to remember.  Today is one such day, and the moment(dare I say it) not only changed me, but the world(yeah, I said it).

But sometimes remembering the day is not enough, and you long to relive the moment in all its glorious(if not slightly uncomfortable) detail.

 Thankfully, there’s always the video.

You never forget the first time.

Starting That Diet Today?

Mr. Lady and The Joshman had some exciting recipes Saturday.  They both sounded pretty good.

I don’t cook so much(most of my recipes are for more than one and it’s a hassle…), not that I can’t, I just don’t as much as I probably should.  And I do have an Ace of a dessert arsenal(cookies, pastries and one heck of a cheesecake), but that’s not where this is going…

The Mental Floss website had this interest look back at some of the more…um…interesting culinary choices from the cold war era.  Get your stomach ready for these taste sensations.