Great post, close to my heart and well written.

Find it here.

…for words.

More valuable than diamonds are comedic gems.  Today we lost one.  If you don’t know Harvey Korman, you should.  He was genius.

History of the World Part 1

Blazing Saddles

There’s so much more… Seek it out and enjoy his work, and laugh.

It’s depressing enough that I found yet another white blond to the extreme hair today, but now due to a reference, I’m reminded of days when I was way younger, and two stone lighter… Prom.

Junior Prom: Suckered into the whole stupid thing. Double dated with an acquaintance of my date(who liked me, especially when high). Spent WAY too much on tux, dinner, carriage ride through downtown…stupid, stupid, STUPID. Ran into an old friend that moved away and had a crush on back in junior high. Literally ditched my date for a night of small talk with her(in fact I think the video yearbook has a shot of me and her walking away from my “date” about 20 paces behind). Okay time. Mucho dinar.

Senior Prom(the reason people bounced here): Totally single, although I did have a totally psycho stalker, which is why most of you are here(let it be said, that at this point in my stupid life, I was a bit frightened of her, but BTW, she looked FANTASTIC. You have no idea. Seriously. I was an idiot. Anyway…). I learned my economic lesson. I went stag. I ate at home(PB&J RULES! I kid you not.). Combined my last two years of show choir tuxes(still straight, thank you) and spent all of $20 on the whole thing. Hung out with friends, made retarded decisions ignored advances, stayed out of the well dressed mosh pit, and got to geek out because I was at the natural history museum. Went to after prom and made it home by my extended curfew(this is where you laugh at me).

Thoughts?: I could easily go off on a rant about social norms, conditioning, and blah, blah blah… but for me, prom was just another school dance where I felt out of my element, ignored what could have been brilliant, and cared less about the whole king/queen crap. Though the senior prom was, “better,” I’d have done well to ignore, “normality,” in favor of fun. They’re okay, but too much pressure exists then and now(thanks, Footloose).

Where’s my walker?

This ruling today is just what the doctor ordered.  Why?  Because not only did it give me a great joke/torture prank to pull on my parents, it’s going to make my previous post relevant(it’s all bout me sometimes), and I can demonstrate exactly why this needs to happen all over this country.

This is not political or religious reasoning(oxymoron), I think that marriage(if you absolutely must have it) in the best case scenario, should be religiously at best what each sect wishes to define with absolutely no legal benefits(for when it works) or ramifications(half!) from society.  I personally find no need to chain my love to binding legal documents with penalties for early withdrawal and men in funny hats damning my soul should me and my love find that our journey together is complete.  My reason for legalized gay/lesbian marriage is purely ECONOMICAL.

Our economy is not so hot right now and it needs stimulation($600 rebates aren’t going to cut it), and who knows more about stimulation than(wait for it…) the wedding industry(over-stimulated actually).  They’ve convinced so many people that the ceremony on steroids approach is the way to go that even people that can’t afford to spend tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands of dollars all for ONE DAY, and that’s just for heterosexuals.  Imagine if we opened it up to the rest of the population.  This is the growth industry we need.  The shot in the arm, the kick in the ass to get us back on top of at least the Loonie.

Catering companies; Wedding planners/Event coordinators; Singers; DJs; Bands; Churches(you know they’ll take money from anyone); strippers(ditto); restaurants; bars…EVERYONE can benefit from this, even me.  It may not be for me, but I be more than willing to help you do it.

Have you seen my resume?

I know that June is the official kick off month for the “Wedding Season,” but I’ve realized that if I wanted to, I could start up a side enterprise working weddings as a fill in.  I’ve held every position available to a straight man(I don’t care what the new Patrick Dempsey movie says), save for one.

Qualifications:

Attendee/Date(gotta have seat fillers)

Ring Bearer(true I’m a bit old for this now but should your adorable nephew come down with SARS or something, I could always pinch hit).

Usher(Where you’re part of the wedding, but not the wedding party.  “Friend of the bride or groom?  Here’s your program.  Enjoy the extra 20 minutes of organ music.”)

Wedding Singer(Ceremony, not reception.  DJ’s pretty much dominate).

Groomsman(Hopefully of high enough rank so as to not be drafted into the usher corps and thereby avoiding double duty).

Best Man(Plan kick ass party.  Thank the couple’s parents at the rehearsal dinner.  Don’t lose lose the effing ring.  Plan escape of groom in case of emergency.  Toast at reception.)

Officiant(“Man and wife.  Say, ‘Man and wife!’”).

The only job left is one I don’t apply for, but should anybody need a fill in, I’ve a reasonable hourly rate.

Glad I didn’t get Robin…he’s a sidekick.

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Click here to take the “Which Superhero am I?” quiz…

And I haven’t posted in awhile…

I thought I’d direct you to this.

If for no other reason then mindless distraction.

If you care, I only scored 70% but hey, I take pride in NOT knowing what Jellies were made of.

I really hope the publishers of this book include a coupon for the therapy the kid will eventually need.

I’m sure that you’re aware of the fact that nobody likes you. You’re vocational choice, becoming a psychic parasite and feeding off of the financial and emotional hardships of people, lands you a spot on the list of the most unwanted/unwelcome/unneeded types of people. It’s quite possible that you’ve come to terms with the fact that, should any impending doom be headed in your general direction, most people would rather sacrifice their own live for a meter maid(of either sex) or the soldier that throws puppies off cliffs before even considering giving you a verbal, “heads up,” and yes, “most people,” includes your mother. Perhaps you’re aware that even people that deny any possibility of higher powers/deities, actively pray for your agonizing demise. Yet there is one aspect of you ghoulish existence that maybe, you might be unaware of, and so I would like to take some time out of my day to inform you of this slight character flaw: You’re morons.

Now, before your limited brain power attempts to defend your actions, stop and shut your mouth. You’re too concerned with a bottom line to be aware of the fact that your stupidity cripples that which you hold dear. Allow me to explain:

In your zeal to collect money from people that owe, you waste the time, not only of the people that you harass, but also of your own company. I understand that each agency trades debtors like baseball cards in an attempt to finally score some cash, but it might be beneficial that you also trade the updated records of the last known contact information and thereby not keep calling a number that has not been in the possession of the one that you seek to contact for over THREE YEARS. Perhaps it’s not all your fault. Maybe it’s the technology you’ve employed. Technology does make people lazy, but you might invest in a software that transfers ALL of the updated information pertinent to your search and thereby avoid hassling people that have nothing to do with your quarry.

And while I’m on the subject of technology, allow me to suggest that you take two steps back from your precious calling machines. They are flawed contraptions that only annoy. Seriously, they call at the same time(when I’m at work) and when my technological device called an answering machine picks up, the prerecorded message your service leaves gives no option out but to hang up or press a number, which cannot be done because you’ve got a machine talking to a machine and neither of them can make a decision. You could hire a human to do this task, employ a person to sacrifice their immortal soul and work for you in the seventh circle and stimulate the economy but that would cut into your precious profit margin.

Eventually, when I get annoyed enough to call your service, I find that you’ve outsourced your “call center” to a location where language is a second language and your incompetence is evident yet again. I’m trying to save you time and money by eliminating a dead end(again, for the seventh time in three years), and I’m doubtful that the person I’ve spoken to knows how to spell. Of course I realize that cheap labor is believed to be good but trust me, you’d have better luck siphoning the life from people if you employ persons that actually can read and write at least one of the two or three predominant languages spoken here.

Put simply(because I’m certain that most of this rational thinking is above your bottom feeding intellects), you’ve been outsmarted by someone that simply moved/changed their number. You’re morons.

If you could, would you go to this?