…Fred Rogers, Spike Lee, and…
Payback is a…dish best stewed upon for a couple of months, then reheated in the microwave on high for two to three minutes(remove the bag when the kernel pops are more than a second apart).
Someone I know has a birthday today. No, not Rick Berman, nor William Hurt or even Holly Hunter(yes it’s their day too, but I don’t know them).
As you may or may not recall, this friend of mine set me up for public ridicule at a time when I was fragile and feeling the effects of the aging process. After a short, but fun e-slapfest, we made up but…well I thought a bit of poking the fun stick(minds out of the gutter) in the other direction was in order.
The problem facing me is that it would be…immature of me to reveal things that could cause embarrassment. At least, outright…I couldn’t just say, “X-years and a gestation period ago, her parents had sex.” That would be rude to not only reveal her age, but to burn into her mind the image of her mother and father engaged in carnal relations.
How then to snicker at someone without revealing their darkness? Make stuff up? Say, “To hell with it,” and release the hounds? Be the bigger person and let it go?
Hell to the NO.
Seeing as it is an election year, her occasional need to do a Thursday Thirteen, and my own petty nature…I’ve decided to list 13 alleged facts about the enigma wrapped in a whiskey filled, question mark shaped flask that is, Mr. Lady.
No particular order, and at least one of these is true(allegedly):
- She’s (mostly)a lady: In all my years of knowing her, she’s only broke wind(audibly) once in my presence. Now granted, even if it sounded like someone starting a chainsaw with added reverb and echo, it was hilarious, human, and the only time I can recall.
- She’s a freak(on paper): She has no middle name. Her name is X Z, no Y at all. I think she may have since compensated for this deficiency by moving her maiden name to the middle but really, we’re supposed to be a superpower, someone with only a first and last name should raise a flag or two…and she emigrated to Canada, Hmmm…
- She’s kind and nurturing: I was having a bad day, and after confiding my pain and frustration to her, she gave me what she later referred to as a, “knuckle hug,” to my left temple. Upon regaining consciousness she suggested I, “walk it off,” and then insisted I was a tiny cat.
- She has a weight problem: It would be rude of me to disclose any woman’s weight, in pounds, yet I can assure you that(though I was never able to confirm it on my larger scales) she is roughly equivalent to that of a duck.
- She’s a strong influence: So strong, I’m willing to bet ten of my rapidly declining in value American dollars that, at least one of her boy’s will dress up as Dr. Frank-N-Furter before the age of 18(and after reading this, I lay two to one odds it’s the middle child), even if none of his friends know what Rocky Horror is(though if they spend any time at her house, they will). Another ten says she takes the boy to the store and helps him pick out the correct lingerie(just to make the people at Victoria’s Secret do a triple take).
- She’s no slave Leia: But she did have this chain metal top/dress/renaissance festival type thing…
- She’s a black magic woman: Like Mola Ram, she has the ability to pluck the still beating heart from your chest. I’ve seen it, and it is grim. This kid got off easy, trust me, and I’ll put another five bucks on the fact that she’s manipulating my astrological chart so that an asteroid hits me within the week.
- She’s musically gifted: At one point in her life she claims to have been able to play the sad, walking away music from the end of every episode of “The Incredible Hulk.”
- She’s a film connoisseur: Her favorite film is the science fiction classic, “Fortress,” it effected her greatly. True friends of hers would be wise to buy this film for her in every format available. Personally, I think her dream is to have this film running on a loop 24 hours a day.
- She’s a freak(genetically): Writes with the right, bats lefty, allergic to red dye #40…Not to go all conspiracy on you, but there were rumors that our(U.S.) government was working on a genetically engineered, female, ambidextrous super-spy during the end cold war, whose only kryptonite was red…
- She likes to stick it to herself: Most of her piercings(that I know of…) were done by her. Why? “Because I’m hardcore like that emmeffer!” she once said to me before embracing me with yet another knuckle hug. And the tattoos, what was the last count? Two full sleeves of characters from “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” the names of her children, the entire battle of Helm’s Deep across her back, a Tron identity disc “tramp stamp,” and two marshmallow peeps battling to the death in Thunderdome(and no, I won’t go into where that one is).
- She’s kind to animals: Unless she takes care of them. R.I.P., Yoda.
- She’s Got a Laugh About Her(apologies to Billy Joel): The best, most beautiful sound she makes is her laugh. Even when pretending to laugh at my stupid jokes(which I’m hoping she still does). Better than a choir of angels, that laugh.
I could go on but, she may already be plotting my doom and it’s best I don’t press my luck.
So I raise my glass and drink(heavily), in honour of…
This entry was posted on March 20, 2008 at 6:27 am and is filed under Lacking Social Graces. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.