Archive for the Fear Category

…not what I planned at all…

Posted in Fear, Lacking Social Graces, Suffering on March 4, 2008 by Mas Younon

I feel I should get this, or this, for my wall. 

A few weeks ago, I stumbled on a job opportunity that looked like it would be good for me to go after.  I met the requirements, it looked like fun work so I threw caution to the wind and sent a resume.  A week after that I got called in for an interview and took today off from the placeholder job to cast my lot.  This was in no way a make or break kind of employment opportunity.  If I didn’t get it, no big.  If I did…sweet chance for adventure.  This lack of urgency was great since it was a no pressure situation, and I show up at the appointed time calm and cool.  Totally at ease, relaxed and confident.  They call my name, I saunter up to the door to the room and gracefully close the door behind me.

I greeted them with a polite, “g-g-goodm-morning..?” and then things began to go terribly wrong.

For some reason, every positive aspect of me stayed on the other side of the door.

I don’t stutter, but I passed it off as a momentary verbal-brain disconnect.  I think they asked how I was(I’m not 100% on that because I was thinking about the stuttering) and I replied, “I’m fine how are you?”  Unfortunately(and I wish this were an exaggeration), my vocal cords decided to remember the time when puberty was upon me and my voice resembled a screeching cat scraping its claws on the blackboard.  That was when time began to slow down and I could literally feel myself beginning to sweat(everywhere and all at once).  I froze, I stumbled/fumbled, I was without (witty or otherwise)repartee, and when I could find the words…well with the voice of a mid-pubescent…screature(trademark) stuck in my wind pipe, the situation was horrific.  I felt the air cringe.  The only saving throw I made was that I neither vomited, or soiled myself.  At the end I apologized for their time and took my hasty leave, which required three attempts at the door(great in physical comedy, not in real life).

It’s not that I won’t get the job(of that I am certain) that bothers me, like I stated before it was one of those great if I get it, life continues if I don’t kind of situations.  What does vex me is the fact that I locked up/froze/Hindenberged.  I don’t recall that level of terror in a long, long time.  I’m talking elementary school ago, in front of the church congregation, child humiliation/terror.  I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone on the hour and a half long(made longer) train ride home, and when by chance I did, luck had it that it was to connect with an angry fellow who was already speaking angrily to me(he’d apparently been in a custody battle and was awarded two days a month with his kids and he may have hinted, repeatedly, that he felt race played an issue) and when I looked over at him, he went off.  Thankfully, we were near his stop and my inability to offer anything more than a deer in headlights stare and slight head shaking convinced him that I was from out of town.  “You’re not even American,” he mumbled as he got off the train.

But I veer from the point…avoidance of the issue.

I got home, had a late lunch, hid under a blanket(metaphorically) for awhile and have spent the past however many hours trying to figure out what switch I tripped today/if my ego is trying to teach me a lesson/why I sabotaged myself…whatever.

All I know is that everything that happened was…

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Thinking too much.

Posted in Fear on December 3, 2007 by Mas Younon

Too long since I’ve posted.

I’ve this bad habit for trying to cram too much from too many sources into my noodle and can’t process it(or even finish what I start to absorb) and yet some other book, magazine or show will call to me and for some reason I must have it/read it/watch it now.  That then combines with the daily/weekly/monthly with a sprinkle of self doubt and imaginative “what if/about” daydreams, and then the brain just grinds to a wrenching halt.

So, I’ve got that going for me…

Now if I can just get through one thing at a time I’ll be able to catch up and free the mental log jam…I hope.

Speaking of doom…

Posted in Fear, Hope, Suffering on October 30, 2007 by Mas Younon

Imagine:

You are the leader of the world, and your top advisers have informed you that in thirty days…the world will be destroyed.  Total destruction by some celestial body on a direct collision course with Earth.  Nothing that we possess can stop it ant there is no way that humanity will survive: Doomsday.

Do you keep the information secret, and let the masses go on with the mundane existence they know and the get blinked out in blissful ignorance?  Or, do you give to the people the truth, and let them truly live(knowing the possibility exists that there will be moderate to severe chaos in the bargain), and if you DO tell them, how many days of “freedom” will you allow?  And then once you’ve made that choice…what do you do?

It is a beautifully grim scenario, laced with possibilities of mankind’s best and worst actions.  I’m still pondering…what I might do.

Atmosphere

Posted in Fear on October 16, 2007 by Mas Younon

A couple of weeks back, I had a nightmare where I awoke to a world that was alien to me.  For some reason, when I looked out the window, I was surrounded by a giant Mt. Rushmore and a spinning psychedelic sky.  This morning, as I was riding the bike, I chanced a look at the sky, and the clouds and the sky seemed…alien, as if I’d never seen it before.  It was both amazing and terrifying in the same instant.  I felt so alone, as if I did not belong on this strange planet with the pale blue sky and high clouds, and smog that makes a yellow sun red.

Later, at lunch, I was sitting outside and spotted a tree in late bloom dancing in the breeze against the clear light blue sky, and I felt right back at home.

…what about…

Posted in Fear on September 30, 2007 by Mas Younon

Hare Krishnas, what happened to them?  Remember when they were a threat to society, and a constant presence at the airport?  Does the parody of them in movies like “Airplane” and “The Kentucky Fried Movie” now have to be explained(the answer is yes)?  I remember the hate and fear that people of a more traditional religious background had for them.  Now of course, it seems absurd but then they seemed to be played up like a cult of the most dangerous kind.

Yes it was a simple time when strange religions and popular media(backwards or otherwise) was branded as evil, leading us all down to hell.

Ah, nostalgia…and the Moonies, what happened to them?

There’s no reason behind these wandering wonderings, but it has been some time since these dangers to the soul have had a big presence here and it got me to thinking…

Into the Wells

Posted in Fear on August 6, 2007 by Mas Younon

I’ve been pondering the possible future of humankind, not for any deeper purpose really, just for fun.  I recalled a program(probably on the Discovery channel) that stated that both primitive forms of man coexisted around the same time and while(forgiving my lack of archaeological terms knowledge) Neanderthals failed as a race, (let’s say)Homo Erectous went on to give us, well…us.  The “missing link” of legend to me then represents more than the common ancestor that proves…whatever, but the fork in the road that provided the two possibilities.

Now, what if were near the point of another split(cue scary music)?

Take a journey on the crazy logic train:

Remember H.G. Wells “The Time Machine,” the book or the 1960’s film(I didn’t like the one in 2002)?  The hero travels hundreds of thousands of years into the future and humanity has been split off into the simple and childlike Eloi and the scary Morlocks whose favorite dish is, the Eloi.  While each represented a different social order and lifestyle, they both lacked any sort of acceptable intellegence level(at least to the traveler).

Wells might not of been that far off, and it may be sooner then we think.  Stay with me and I’ll explain.

There’s a high pressure to look a certain way and for a certain amount of time(hyper-attractive, for your entire lifetime), at the same time there’s a more sedated mass group working hard and spending free time in the caves of technology and spending time and income on the (supposed)lives of the other group as well as their own sedated existance.

Now project this out over lets say 500 years, barring any major catastrophy while letting our techno-addictions run rampant and throwing in an evolutionary bump which is overdue, and where might we be?  Perhaps two races of humanoid?  One a hyper-attractive(to them)/augmented yet simple folk and the other a bloated, jacked into the matrix, hover-racsal riding agoraphobes.  And perhaps, barring robotics evolution, a third race left behind to be subjugated as the brute labor to maintain the “worlds” that the more “important/advanced” beings need to survive only until the day when that link to the past can be replaced and disposed of, or assimilated into one species or the other, and of course, forgotten.

It’s a bit unnerving to think that we may be the missing link of the future and yet, in a darkly humorus way, fun to imagine what may spawn from our efforts to advance or evolve.

…30 Pieces of Silver

Posted in Fear on July 22, 2007 by Mas Younon

Some of our greatest struggles are the result of an act of, or a sense of betrayal.  But I wonder which is the worst: Betraying another, or the self?

The (seemingly)obvious scenario is a combination of the two, and yet I think that this path might be less severe as, at least to my mind, when observing the effect on the one left out to dry, the offeneder may at least regret and open the possibility of correcting the problem(or minimizing the damage).

I am of the opinion that the greatest betrayal occurrs to the self, and over time.  It’s difficult to see, subtly disguised over the days/months/years, but it is there.  Hidden in compromises/negotiations/for the experience situations.  Then eventually, looking around, you neither recognize where or who you are.  It may even be too difficult to remember where you wanted to be in the first place, and no matter how you chalk it up once you recognize it,  you’re faced with a new and more terrifying situation:

Continue to betray what you are, or betray what you’ve become.  Disheartening to continue on, traumatic to take a stand and make a change either back to what you were or in a new direction.

From an outside perspective, an exciting story exists in these situations but then, at times you begin to question where you got your…