Archive for the Suffering Category

…not what I planned at all…

Posted in Fear, Lacking Social Graces, Suffering on March 4, 2008 by Mas Younon

I feel I should get this, or this, for my wall. 

A few weeks ago, I stumbled on a job opportunity that looked like it would be good for me to go after.  I met the requirements, it looked like fun work so I threw caution to the wind and sent a resume.  A week after that I got called in for an interview and took today off from the placeholder job to cast my lot.  This was in no way a make or break kind of employment opportunity.  If I didn’t get it, no big.  If I did…sweet chance for adventure.  This lack of urgency was great since it was a no pressure situation, and I show up at the appointed time calm and cool.  Totally at ease, relaxed and confident.  They call my name, I saunter up to the door to the room and gracefully close the door behind me.

I greeted them with a polite, “g-g-goodm-morning..?” and then things began to go terribly wrong.

For some reason, every positive aspect of me stayed on the other side of the door.

I don’t stutter, but I passed it off as a momentary verbal-brain disconnect.  I think they asked how I was(I’m not 100% on that because I was thinking about the stuttering) and I replied, “I’m fine how are you?”  Unfortunately(and I wish this were an exaggeration), my vocal cords decided to remember the time when puberty was upon me and my voice resembled a screeching cat scraping its claws on the blackboard.  That was when time began to slow down and I could literally feel myself beginning to sweat(everywhere and all at once).  I froze, I stumbled/fumbled, I was without (witty or otherwise)repartee, and when I could find the words…well with the voice of a mid-pubescent…screature(trademark) stuck in my wind pipe, the situation was horrific.  I felt the air cringe.  The only saving throw I made was that I neither vomited, or soiled myself.  At the end I apologized for their time and took my hasty leave, which required three attempts at the door(great in physical comedy, not in real life).

It’s not that I won’t get the job(of that I am certain) that bothers me, like I stated before it was one of those great if I get it, life continues if I don’t kind of situations.  What does vex me is the fact that I locked up/froze/Hindenberged.  I don’t recall that level of terror in a long, long time.  I’m talking elementary school ago, in front of the church congregation, child humiliation/terror.  I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone on the hour and a half long(made longer) train ride home, and when by chance I did, luck had it that it was to connect with an angry fellow who was already speaking angrily to me(he’d apparently been in a custody battle and was awarded two days a month with his kids and he may have hinted, repeatedly, that he felt race played an issue) and when I looked over at him, he went off.  Thankfully, we were near his stop and my inability to offer anything more than a deer in headlights stare and slight head shaking convinced him that I was from out of town.  “You’re not even American,” he mumbled as he got off the train.

But I veer from the point…avoidance of the issue.

I got home, had a late lunch, hid under a blanket(metaphorically) for awhile and have spent the past however many hours trying to figure out what switch I tripped today/if my ego is trying to teach me a lesson/why I sabotaged myself…whatever.

All I know is that everything that happened was…

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What’s In This For Me?

Posted in Hope, Suffering on February 28, 2008 by Mas Younon

I stumbled on this interesting “What if…” scenario.  The full post and responses are here, but the premise is this:

Say you were offered the chance to be introduced to the great love of your life, your absolute perfect soul mate. The two of you will be perfect together– compatible personalities, the same taste in movies and books, sex so good you’ll temporarily lose the power of speech– but you’ll only be together for five years. At the end of five years, your partner will die, absolutely and inevitably– you’ll be told the time, place, and manner of their death, and nothing you do can stop it.

This person is perfect for you, but there is absolutely no way you will ever meet by chance. The only chance you have of meeting is to be introduced by the person who will also tell you the time, place, and manner of your soul mate’s death. Or, you can go on with your life as it is now, and just make the best you can of what you have.

Do you take the offer?

Hmmm…let me think…how many ways are there to say…yes.  This is one sweet slice of life experience to be offered.  Why would one refuse?  Join me in my mind(a scary place) as I expound on why I would, like, so totally do it(some reasons may be inserted or exaggerated for jokey-joke/I cannot ever be completely serious reasons):

  • Meeting new people: This is a person that, unless you take the deal, you will never meet and, quite possibly their circle of friends and family some of which may also become your friends.
  • Wuv, twu wuv…: Something pined/struggled/worked for in each of our lifetimes.  You get five years of it.  Quite possibly the best aspect of the deal.  Five years of being able to not only receive love, but to be able to love freely for five years.  Not only an amazing experience, it is an amazing learning experience.  There is no way that you can convince me that five years of being able to accept and be accepted, not having to worry about rejection, being free and open with your love does/would not make you a better human.  This is five years of true freedom that society/upbringing does not allow anyone to ever have.  How is that ever a bad thing?
  • Time Limit: “All good things…”  Some look on this as a downer, but the philosophy of this part of the deal is key.  The desired result is the “you never know/live life like its…” which I’ve actually ranted against, yet this scenario supports my desire/hope to learn to be more present and aware of the now.  Another great learning experience to make a better person.
  • Death(part one): Meet them or not, this person will die on X date of X reason.  The two of you are a perfect match according to the scenario, so why would you deny anyone their last years of perfect bliss?  To spare yourself the pain of loss?  Remember, there is nothing in the rules stating that you can’t go “Romeo & Juliet” and follow your beloved if you cannot go on.  What a great choice/experience: are you strong enough to go on/follow them into the great whatever?
  • Death(part two): This concerns the, “dying from a horrible (whatever),” issue raised.  You couldn’t be there?  Somewhat understandable, if you didn’t learn the lessons of the above points.  But I look at it as a question of could you send them to the great (whatever).  Are you willing to stop/ease/end the pain and torment that your love is in.  Yes.  Yes.
  • It’s a great story, “The franchise rights alone…”: Guessing that you choose to live on, what better to inspire/enlighten people than an amazing tale such as this.
  • It’s a great story, part douche: Guessing that there was no learning curve, this is the greatest sympathy eff story/movie idea ever and if you’re of the mind, cash in.

So…Your thoughts/answers/reactions are…?

Self Abuse

Posted in Suffering on January 31, 2008 by Mas Younon

I’ve noticed that for the last month or so I have been torturing myself by watching movies that I didn’t like.  It’s not like I search them out but if it’s on, I’ll watch it.  And I’ll sit there the whole time asking both how this got made and why for the love of everything good in the world am I watching this?  I could be doing something, anything else so why am I burning bad film into my brain?  Am I so starved for entertainment that I’ll watch anything?  I could be reading, learning something new, creating something…

Sorry, “Music and Lyrics” came on.  Where was I?

Starting That Diet Today?

Posted in Suffering, Umm...yeah...okay... on January 13, 2008 by Mas Younon

Mr. Lady and The Joshman had some exciting recipes Saturday.  They both sounded pretty good.

I don’t cook so much(most of my recipes are for more than one and it’s a hassle…), not that I can’t, I just don’t as much as I probably should.  And I do have an Ace of a dessert arsenal(cookies, pastries and one heck of a cheesecake), but that’s not where this is going…

The Mental Floss website had this interest look back at some of the more…um…interesting culinary choices from the cold war era.  Get your stomach ready for these taste sensations.

It’s in the Cards

Posted in Suffering on December 27, 2007 by Mas Younon

Gift Cards…

I pride myself on the fact that I give good gift.  To be honest, I couldn’t tell you if it was a learned skill or not.  My brother and some of my friends seem to have the talent, but there are others who(as wonderful as the gesture is) just seem to opt for the card.  I’m not offended by them.  I don’t have the, “you don’t know me,” meltdown or anything like that.  It’s just that they’re so evil.  Which is why I ask that I do not get them and sure enough, I do…in excess.

Do not misunderstand, I appreciate and use them and that is where the evil lies.  Allow me to explain:

  1. The (good)site specific card:  Here is a daemon that torments me.  Once I have one of these, logic ceases to exist.  Now I have X amount of cash for my favourite/crack addiction locales.  Hence I will go there and spend three times as much as the amount I’ve been gifted with(which I know I shouldn’t).
  2. The AMEX/Visa/MasterCard card:  Evil Incardnate(so much so that it deserves the bad pun).  Too many rules and technological problems(Satan’s attorney came up with these I’m certain).  Don’t use it here.  If you do not use it by X we will charge you Y until the balance is zero.  YOU must check the balance on your own.  Some places may not be able to process…True story:  I tried to use one and it was rejected.  I paid another way, went home and checked the card balance only to find the EXACT amount gone.  I won’t go into what ring of the inferno you have to enter to try and dispute that one(no I didn’t get the money back, and yes I thought about becoming Tlyer Durden that day).
  3. The (bad)site specific card:  Okay…I guess you don’t know me(personally I’ve not had this experience but I have heard tales).
  4. The forced company Secret Santa (bad)site specific card:  The forced company SS deserves its own post, but for now, let’s just say that somewhere in my clean apartment, there lurks an old gift card to See’s Candies.  A wonderful place which I(whose last remaining sweet tooth belongs to the crack laced Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookie) visit every neverday.
  5. Cash/Checks=Better:  Just as impersonal?  Possibly.  Yet far superior to gift cards.  Why?  As a colleague of mine so brilliantly put it, “You can’t pay bills with a gift card.”  Especially that credit card bill that racked up with the holiday season.

Why bring this up now?  The season’s past.  True, but aside from the afore mentioned technical problems I’ve had this month, it’s never too late to help out the future of giving.  Besides, I decided to use this final week of the year to complain before my brain melts and the holidays are just so bloated and lazy.  It’s fresh on the cerebrum.

The Lost Time(Lost in Time)

Posted in Suffering on November 12, 2007 by Mas Younon

In my lifetime, I was never without the phenomenon known as “Black Friday.”  For me the “Christmas Season” began the day after Thanksgiving, and I’ve accepted that (ugh)tradition.  There was however, a simpler time, when there existed a beautiful window between Halloween and Thanksgiving when there was peace.  It was a glorious two to three week period of time when there was time to enjoy the fall.  A point in the year where one could look around and enjoy life before the roller coaster of the year was taken over by the jolly fat man and began its final downward spiral of crazy.

That time no longer exists.  In truth it’s been gone for awhile, and to be honest, ever since the first of the month I’ve already been crammed to the bursting point by the retailers.

I’m not in the mood to rant against the season, or how nobody knows the true meaning , or the greedson(new word combination of greedy and reason) behind the season, or whatever.  I am just simply in the mood to mourn the loss of a magical time when the pressures of family, friends, economy, society and all the other “important” things took a couple of weeks off before demanding attention.

I miss those lazy days.

Speaking of doom…

Posted in Fear, Hope, Suffering on October 30, 2007 by Mas Younon

Imagine:

You are the leader of the world, and your top advisers have informed you that in thirty days…the world will be destroyed.  Total destruction by some celestial body on a direct collision course with Earth.  Nothing that we possess can stop it ant there is no way that humanity will survive: Doomsday.

Do you keep the information secret, and let the masses go on with the mundane existence they know and the get blinked out in blissful ignorance?  Or, do you give to the people the truth, and let them truly live(knowing the possibility exists that there will be moderate to severe chaos in the bargain), and if you DO tell them, how many days of “freedom” will you allow?  And then once you’ve made that choice…what do you do?

It is a beautifully grim scenario, laced with possibilities of mankind’s best and worst actions.  I’m still pondering…what I might do.