Start early…

Posted in Umm...yeah...okay... on April 21, 2008 by Mas Younon

I really hope the publishers of this book include a coupon for the therapy the kid will eventually need.

Attention, Debt Collection Agencies:

Posted in Don't make me angry... on April 18, 2008 by Mas Younon

I’m sure that you’re aware of the fact that nobody likes you. You’re vocational choice, becoming a psychic parasite and feeding off of the financial and emotional hardships of people, lands you a spot on the list of the most unwanted/unwelcome/unneeded types of people. It’s quite possible that you’ve come to terms with the fact that, should any impending doom be headed in your general direction, most people would rather sacrifice their own live for a meter maid(of either sex) or the soldier that throws puppies off cliffs before even considering giving you a verbal, “heads up,” and yes, “most people,” includes your mother. Perhaps you’re aware that even people that deny any possibility of higher powers/deities, actively pray for your agonizing demise. Yet there is one aspect of you ghoulish existence that maybe, you might be unaware of, and so I would like to take some time out of my day to inform you of this slight character flaw: You’re morons.

Now, before your limited brain power attempts to defend your actions, stop and shut your mouth. You’re too concerned with a bottom line to be aware of the fact that your stupidity cripples that which you hold dear. Allow me to explain:

In your zeal to collect money from people that owe, you waste the time, not only of the people that you harass, but also of your own company. I understand that each agency trades debtors like baseball cards in an attempt to finally score some cash, but it might be beneficial that you also trade the updated records of the last known contact information and thereby not keep calling a number that has not been in the possession of the one that you seek to contact for over THREE YEARS. Perhaps it’s not all your fault. Maybe it’s the technology you’ve employed. Technology does make people lazy, but you might invest in a software that transfers ALL of the updated information pertinent to your search and thereby avoid hassling people that have nothing to do with your quarry.

And while I’m on the subject of technology, allow me to suggest that you take two steps back from your precious calling machines. They are flawed contraptions that only annoy. Seriously, they call at the same time(when I’m at work) and when my technological device called an answering machine picks up, the prerecorded message your service leaves gives no option out but to hang up or press a number, which cannot be done because you’ve got a machine talking to a machine and neither of them can make a decision. You could hire a human to do this task, employ a person to sacrifice their immortal soul and work for you in the seventh circle and stimulate the economy but that would cut into your precious profit margin.

Eventually, when I get annoyed enough to call your service, I find that you’ve outsourced your “call center” to a location where language is a second language and your incompetence is evident yet again. I’m trying to save you time and money by eliminating a dead end(again, for the seventh time in three years), and I’m doubtful that the person I’ve spoken to knows how to spell. Of course I realize that cheap labor is believed to be good but trust me, you’d have better luck siphoning the life from people if you employ persons that actually can read and write at least one of the two or three predominant languages spoken here.

Put simply(because I’m certain that most of this rational thinking is above your bottom feeding intellects), you’ve been outsmarted by someone that simply moved/changed their number. You’re morons.

Imagine…

Posted in Temptation on April 17, 2008 by Mas Younon

If you could, would you go to this?

File Under K…

Posted in Umm...yeah...okay... on April 8, 2008 by Mas Younon

…for KREEPY.

So I was checking out the “Dancing with the Stars” results show(yeah, wanna make something of it?), and what was their special trick tonight?  Child dancers.

Please, someone else tell me that there is something wrong with eight to eleven year olds danging in a suggestive manner in front of millions of people.  It’s not cute, it’s…well…I don’t know what the word is or if it exists, but  there’s got to be something to describe the JonBenet-ness of it.

Notes for the Morning News…

Posted in Anger on April 6, 2008 by Mas Younon

Unless I’m in Vegas, and I’m (still)drinking, nothing and nobody is funny at five A.M., ever.  Stop trying.  This is doubly stressed for the weather-people who wish to make up for the fact that they truly have no clue about weather and attempt to cover up their lack of personality by overplaying a fake one.

Stick to your job.  Repeat the three “news” items you’ve been told to regurgitate over and over, give me traffic and current weather conditions, and let me be.

Oh, and by the way…”reporting” the results from last night’s reality programs is NOT news(entertainment or otherwise), ever.

Honestly, if either of us were employed for creativity and humor, we wouldn’t be up at this hour.  So stop it, now.

For the American People

Posted in Sunday Sermon on March 30, 2008 by Mas Younon

In the interest of sparking a move forward/can do attitude, I’d like to take some time to explore some lifestyles that need to make a comeback.

The first is Mad Science. It has been far too long, and we’ve been too conditioned by film/television/literature to embrace a progressive, albeit slightly dangerous occupation. We’re too compliant to let “progress” be turned into “treatment(in the case of medicine)” and “upgrades(regarding technology).” Mad Scientists leap and bound when corporations are exploiting small steps for profit over and over and over. There are so many brilliant minds in existence and we are wasting them by not embracing the ancient art of humiliating the genius. This is how drastic advances in science are made…through debasement. Find the best minds working on cancer(for example), and cut their funding. Link them to the least helpful aspect of society(a photo-shop of them partying with Paris Hilton should do it), thereby destroying any credibility they might have had, and in three years…cure for cancer. Granted we’ll have to find a way to subdue the super wolf-human hybrid that sniffs out and then rips out cancerous cells, but in that creature’s sweat glands, we’ll also find and later synthetically reproduce(so as not to harm the creature) the vaccination for all cancer. You can apply this technique to almost any of humanity’s problems, though I wouldn’t go this route for E.D.(no need for a hyper-ferret that consumes floppy frankfurters).

“Volunteers,” and “Test Subjects,” totally needs to be rethought. Not to mention that Mad Scientists need them, we need to rethink this “qualified” status being held in high regard. If I’m going to be taxed to keep Manson alive, do something with him. Graft a tail on, expose him to gamma rays(but not too much, I’ve seen The Hulk), heck just see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. We’ve too many untapped(un/underemployed) resources watching Springer reruns not to put them to use and make a better tomorrow. True, we might have to mobilize the national guard and “contain” a few of the more unexpected results with a nuclear cleansing, but isn’t progress worth the risk?

Speaking of test humans, what ever happened to DAREDEVILS? When did we as a species lose our collective sack? Are all of us too scared to miss the next season of “America’s Next Piece of Hackneyed Crap” to risk the glory in throwing up a humongous middle finger to the “almighty” by jumping 18 buses full of burning nuns and orphans whilst drinking a martini and texting the Dali Lama(big hitter, the Lama…)? In an age of the douche-tube “stunt-people” whose idea of a risk is jumping off a roof on the awaiting groin of their friend, or simply just inflicting minor pain onto themselves, where is the one who has the, “eff it all, go for it!” attitude to jump in a rocket built by teenagers and see if he can warp to Mars and back with a protein bar and a liter of water(bonus points for the nickname, “Evel,” and a last name that rhymes with it)?

“The Anti-Christ/Bringer of Doom/Whatever,” people, listen up. You’ve been warning/spouting off about this for too long. Embrace someone as it/make one up/whatever. If you deity relies on another character for it to conquer, well get on with it. I seriously do not understand why you wouldn’t rejoice in the appearance of your enemy. Wouldn’t that mean that you are that much closer to being in your cloud city that is paved with gold and molesting virginal cherubs? Remember, every step towards earthly doom is another step closer to fictional bliss. So lighten up and let the great Satan(progress) make an advance or two(that you’ll later embrace and call your god’s will). Besides, nothing stimulates economy like an enemy. The draw back is that it also stimulates stupidity, -isms, and Dr. Phil.

Natural Twenty…Huzzah!!

Posted in Hope on March 26, 2008 by Mas Younon

Two decades ago, when I was, oh…about two decades shorter, I was given the opportunity to corrupt a soul.

Every day I am closer to unleashing it upon the world…but not yet…