For the American People

In the interest of sparking a move forward/can do attitude, I’d like to take some time to explore some lifestyles that need to make a comeback.

The first is Mad Science. It has been far too long, and we’ve been too conditioned by film/television/literature to embrace a progressive, albeit slightly dangerous occupation. We’re too compliant to let “progress” be turned into “treatment(in the case of medicine)” and “upgrades(regarding technology).” Mad Scientists leap and bound when corporations are exploiting small steps for profit over and over and over. There are so many brilliant minds in existence and we are wasting them by not embracing the ancient art of humiliating the genius. This is how drastic advances in science are made…through debasement. Find the best minds working on cancer(for example), and cut their funding. Link them to the least helpful aspect of society(a photo-shop of them partying with Paris Hilton should do it), thereby destroying any credibility they might have had, and in three years…cure for cancer. Granted we’ll have to find a way to subdue the super wolf-human hybrid that sniffs out and then rips out cancerous cells, but in that creature’s sweat glands, we’ll also find and later synthetically reproduce(so as not to harm the creature) the vaccination for all cancer. You can apply this technique to almost any of humanity’s problems, though I wouldn’t go this route for E.D.(no need for a hyper-ferret that consumes floppy frankfurters).

“Volunteers,” and “Test Subjects,” totally needs to be rethought. Not to mention that Mad Scientists need them, we need to rethink this “qualified” status being held in high regard. If I’m going to be taxed to keep Manson alive, do something with him. Graft a tail on, expose him to gamma rays(but not too much, I’ve seen The Hulk), heck just see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. We’ve too many untapped(un/underemployed) resources watching Springer reruns not to put them to use and make a better tomorrow. True, we might have to mobilize the national guard and “contain” a few of the more unexpected results with a nuclear cleansing, but isn’t progress worth the risk?

Speaking of test humans, what ever happened to DAREDEVILS? When did we as a species lose our collective sack? Are all of us too scared to miss the next season of “America’s Next Piece of Hackneyed Crap” to risk the glory in throwing up a humongous middle finger to the “almighty” by jumping 18 buses full of burning nuns and orphans whilst drinking a martini and texting the Dali Lama(big hitter, the Lama…)? In an age of the douche-tube “stunt-people” whose idea of a risk is jumping off a roof on the awaiting groin of their friend, or simply just inflicting minor pain onto themselves, where is the one who has the, “eff it all, go for it!” attitude to jump in a rocket built by teenagers and see if he can warp to Mars and back with a protein bar and a liter of water(bonus points for the nickname, “Evel,” and a last name that rhymes with it)?

“The Anti-Christ/Bringer of Doom/Whatever,” people, listen up. You’ve been warning/spouting off about this for too long. Embrace someone as it/make one up/whatever. If you deity relies on another character for it to conquer, well get on with it. I seriously do not understand why you wouldn’t rejoice in the appearance of your enemy. Wouldn’t that mean that you are that much closer to being in your cloud city that is paved with gold and molesting virginal cherubs? Remember, every step towards earthly doom is another step closer to fictional bliss. So lighten up and let the great Satan(progress) make an advance or two(that you’ll later embrace and call your god’s will). Besides, nothing stimulates economy like an enemy. The draw back is that it also stimulates stupidity, -isms, and Dr. Phil.

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